Legolas and the Really Messed Up Fanfic!
by Odeena Sabnach
Summary: Legolas wants a story... therefore, the poor author must suffer :) Please R&R! Completed! Sequel coming soon! XD
1. Legolas the Insomniac

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Legolas and the Really Messed-Up Fanfic

Chapter 1: Legolas the Insomniac

* I hate school. I really hate school. I really, really hate school. I really, really, really— *

"Are you going to write anything else?"

"Huh?"

I started, then turned around. Sure enough, there he was: Legolas, Prince of Mirkwood and resident lady-killer, reading over my shoulder again. 

"It's two in the morning", was the smartest thing I could say.

"And you should be sleeping."

"As should you."

For a second, we glared at each other. Then, Legolas sighed. "I couldn't sleep. Bad dreams."

"…right. What was it this time, Gimli trying to take over the world?"

He made a face. "No, it was something far worse than that."

"You were getting married?"

He nodded.

"To who?"

Legolas shuddered, "You do _not_ want to know. Anyway, what are _you_ doing up at this hour?"

I motioned towards the desk. "Maths homework."

He crossed his arms, "Really. Writing 'School stinks' over and over again is your maths homework, right?"

"Well, _no_, but I was getting bored. I've been up since midnight, and to be honest with you I'm plain dumb at this stuff. So there."

"Okay…"

I could see he wanted to say something, but couldn't find his words, or enough courage to do it, so I decided to help him out. "What do you want, anyway?"

You'd almost say this is the jackpot question of 'Who wants to be a millionaire'. Legolas sighed, said, "Well, I—", and that was the end of that.

"I'm not psychic. Try words and phrases." 

He sighed. "Well, I saw you're up, so I—thought we'd have a little talk."

I looked at my watch. "Which has been taking five minutes of my life already. How little did you indent to make this talk again?"

"You're imposibble."

"Yes I am."

"_Anyway_. I've been surfing on fanfiction.net lately--"

"…egomaniac…"

"—and I couldn't help but notice how many authors have stories where I'm the main character."

"So?"

"Since you're a fanfiction author, think you could write me into a little story that will _not_ give me a headache when I read it?"

So that was it, huh. Legolas wanted me to write a story about him. Great… 

"Look", I said, "I don't write standalones."

"Oh yes you do."

"No I don't." 

"Yes you do. I know you do." There was something in his tone of voice that I did not like. "I read some of your little Boromir stories the other day."

Crash! Boom! Bang! That was my universe falling to pieces. If Boromir got his hands on _any_ of those stories…

"They were incripted!" I did my best to sound calm. "How did you find the password?"

"It _was_ pretty obvious."

Note to self: 'Boromir4king' is a dumb idea for a password. Change it as soon as possible.

"I liked them, I must say. Except for the one with Faramir and the cake. That was disturbing."

"You read that one, too?"

"Yup."

I'm dead.

"Look. What must I do to get such a story?"

"Like the one with Faramir and the cake?"

"NO! A nice, decent, little story. Is that too much to ask?"

Just then, there was a knock on the door. "C'min", I said. 

The door opened, and Boromir came in. "I brought you coffee", he said, putting a coffee mug on my desk. "I figured you might need it."

"Thanks. You're sweet."

"Anytime. If you need anything else, just page me. I'll be in the living."

"Okay."

Boromir saluted (well, sorta), then left. Legolas was staring blakly at the door.

"So, this is what I must do, huh."

"What?"

"Bring you coffee in the middle of the night."

"Umm, _no_, that's not—" Suddenly, a very evil thought formed in my mind. "Look. How bad do you want that story?"

He glared at me again. "Not _that_ bad. Why?"

"Bad enough to do my maths homework for me?"

"You're on."

We switched places; he sat down at my desk, and I flopped on the couch. "Okay, so what kind of story do you want?"

"I don't know. Something about Mirkwood and my father and all that. I really miss home, you know."

"Don't get nostalgic on me. Should I include any Mary-Sues?"

"Hell no! Please, no!"

"Okay. Any slash?"

"No."

"A death scene then?"

He looked ready to throw the maths book at me. "No."

"Extreme violence? Mush? NC-17?"

"Are you mocking me?"

"Okay, okay, I got the point. So you want just a simple story about Mirkwood and your father and yourself and… stuff. That OK?"

"Err?"

"Fine then. Be quiet, author at work."

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A/N: So, what's the point of this? I haven't got a clue J _Okay, just kidding. It's supposed to introduce another fanfic. Well, kinda. Stay tuned, things are about to get evil… tee hee. And please review! Pretty please? Thank you!_


	2. Delusions of Craziness

Chapter 2: Fanfic #1

"Are you done yet?"

"No, are you done yet?"

"No."

"Okay."

I looked at Legolas. He looked at me. Then, we both went back to our respective business: me – writing him into a story, and him – doing my math homework. I only had a few more lines to go… three… two… one… okay, done.

"I finished."

"Wha'?"

The elf stared at me for a second, not getting the point, then he beamed. "Really? Let me read it already!"

"Hold it, elf. I'll read it."

"Why?"

Dumb question, really. "_Because_ you can't understand my handwriting. You said so yourself."

He reluctantly sighed, then said, "Okay."

"And I want no interruptions."

He glared at me. "This is bad, isn't it." It was more of a statement than a question.

"You have no idea."

Suddenly, there was a knock on the door, then Boromir came in, this time bearing a tray of cookies. "Thought you may be hugnry", he said with a grin.

"Thank you, Boromir."

Legolas rolled his eyes. For a second, I felt a strong impulse of giving him a noogie, but then I thought of something even better. "Boromir, care to hear a story?"

"About what?"

"About Leggy here."

Legolas coughed. Boromir raised an eyebrow. "Okay?" He sat on the bed next to me. "Let's hear it already!"

"Okay." I cleared my throat. "Be quiet, here it goes."

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Delusions of Craziness

Legolas Greenleaf, son of Thanduil, Prince of Mirkwood, was having a very crappy day.

The day before had been his 485th birthday, and therefore all of Mirkwood had been in celebration. And now, sure enough, the prince was having a hangover. Currently, he was lying on his bed, trying to ignore his aching head and his tormented stomach.

"This is the last time I drink wine", muttered the elf. "From now on, total abstinence. Oh yes. No more wine ever again. And I'll ask my father to banish it from Mirkwood for ever and ever and ever…"

The door opened, and an older elf came in. "Legolas? Are you all right?"

Legolas growled. "No, I am **not**—what are you doing?" he asked, as the older elf bent over so he could look under his bed. 

"You were talking to someone", came the somewhat muttered answer. "I want to know who it is."

"Talking? I wasn't talking to anyone!" That was only half true, but Legolas was in no condition of explaining it to the older elf. "Get out of there."

The older elf did so, but then he begun rummaging through Legolas' closet. "I know there is someone here. Tell me who it is."

"There is no-one here!" Legolas' temper was rising. "Nobody!" His voice was now higher than usual.

"I don't believe you!"

"It's true! I was talking to **myself**, okay? Now go away!"

The older elf glared. "Talking… to… yourself?" He put a hand on Legolas' forehead. "You have fever, Legolas. Big time."

By now, Legolas had practically steam coming out of his ears. "I—do—**not**—have—fever", he hissed. 

The older elf looked terrified. "Then—you are—insane! By the Valar!"

That was the final straw. With a battlecry, Legolas launched himself at the elf, which barely had time to escape and slam the door behind him. Legolas punched the door with frustration, then screamed. Finally, seing as there was nothing else he could do, he flopped back onto his bed and tried to go to sleep. But, before that, he carefully locked the door.

The end.

"Well? Whaddya think?"

For a second, both Legolas and Boromir stared at me. Then, Boromir cracked up.

"Ahahahaha!!! Legolas having a hangover!!"

The elf just kept staring at me. Boromir laughed on.

"I don't drink", Legolas said finally. "I don't have hangovers. I don't talk to myself. I don't attack my elders. And I definitely don't punch doors or scream after I've done it."

Boromir was in hysterics.

"Well, I kept my end of the deal. How's your end looking?"

"I'm not done yet, but--"

"Good! Then I'll write another story while you finish my homework! Suddenly, I got these really evil ideas…"

Legolas sighed. "I asked for it", he muttered. Then he went back to my math notebook. Boromir cracked up again. 

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A/N: Okay, here's the evil fanfic! What do you think? Should I go on? Review, please! And thanks go to:

ElfWarrior6: Thanks for reviewing! 

Kathy: Well, the 'Faramir-and-the-cake' story is something I wrote one day when I got bored… maybe I'll post it as a chapter of this story. Just maybe. It's really messed-up. J Thanks!


	3. Legolas and the Magical Kiss, part one

Chapter 3: Legolas and the Magical Kiss, part one

I was about half way through the next fanfic, when I heard a beeping noise coming from somewhere under my bed.

"Legolas…"

The elf didn't even twitch. Math can do that to a fellow.

"*Sigh* Boromir…"

I could have saved my breath. Boromir was already digging through all the junk under my bed. In a matter of seconds, he was out holding my cellphone.

"Thanks, Boromir. Geez, how the _hell_ did that get there?"

Boromir shrugged, "No idea."

"Whatever…" I pressed the 'Yes' button. "Hello?"

"Hi, Odeena? It's Paul. Look, I--"

"Sorry, you dialed the wrong number." Before the caller got to say anything else, I closed the link, then I tossed my cellphone back under the bed. I knew I had a good reason for keeping it there.

Then I noticed Boromir staring at me. Legolas was still busy with my homework.

"Let's just say I don't feel too talkative, OK?"

He shrugged. "Okay. But, just out of curiosity – who called you?"

"My ex-boyfriend, who would do anything to make up with me. Even calling me at – I looked at my watch – nearly three in the morning."

I liked Boromir's face when I said 'ex-boyfriend'. He was all like, 'Wow, you actually dumped someone?' Gotta love it.

"And I believe that you would not talk to him, or see him anymore?"

"Actually, I see him quite a lot, seeing as we're in the same class. And about the talking part… well, he leaves me at least twenty messages a day, calls me and sends me emails and SMSs as often as it gets. Besides that, we're assigned on the same science project together."

"Your boyfriend is – was – a _geek_?"

Boromir was extremely surprised. You must understand the guy; back in Gondor, nearly all men are soldiers or merchants. Science is left to women; therefor, any science _man_ is considered a wimp. A concept with which I had come to agree in time.

"Yes. Now be quiet, I have a fanfic to write, and Legolas has my homework to do. You're jamming him."

"No, he's not."

"Shut up, Legolas."

"But--"

"Shut up, Boromir."

"…"

"Good."

And sure enough, ten minutes enough, the fanfic was done. Well, the first part anyway… This time though, both Legolas and Boromir knew what to expect.

Or, at least, they thought so.

"Okay guys, here it goes. But before that – Legolas, promise you won't freak out?"

"Should I?"

"Never mind, promise me."

"Okay, I promise."

"And Boromir, promise you won't crack up?"

"I'll try not to."

"Okay then. Listen up."

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Legolas and the Magical Kiss

~ part one ~

Last Request

"My son, today I must ask of you a task of tremendous importance."

When King Thranduil begun a talk like that, it was obvious that he would demand something either impossible, embarrassing, or both.

"Yes, Father." Frankly, Legolas Greenleaf had little else to say.

"As you may recall, a fortnight ago, Gandalf the Gray brought to us a foul creature named Gollum."

"Yes, Father." **And what does that have to do with me? **thought Legolas irritatedly.

"Gandalf left us very precise instructions on how to treat this creature. Therefor, tomorrow at down, Gollum will be given as a sacrifice to Elbereth and Giltoniel."

"Since when do we offer sacrifices to Elbereth and Giltoniel? And didn't Gangalf tell us **not** to harm Gollum in any way?"

Thranduil hmm-ed. "No, I am certain he told us that we should harm him."

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You missed the 'not', thought Legolas. In truth, Thranduil's hearing was waning; however, not even Sauron himself could have made the king admit it.

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I still fail to see the point, thought Legolas. "And?" the prince asked impatiently.

"By our tradition, one that has been sentenced to death can make one last request."

"And?"

"His request, my son, was – a kiss. From you."

Legolas choked, then begun to cough violently. Thranduil patted him hard on the back, but it didn't seem to help. The world seemed to be going darker by the minute, and, before he even realised what was going on, Legolas Greenleaf passed out.

End of part one.

Again, all I got at first were blank stares. Boromir was trying very, very hard not to crack up. Legolas just stared at me. The look on his face made _me_ want to crack up.

"Um… guys?"

"My father's hearing is not waning", said Legolas finally. "And I would never, ever, ever, ever kiss Gollum. Or pass out like that."

"Thanks for pointing that out, elf. You wanted a story, you got yourself one."

"Two", Boromir emphasized.

"Of course, I still have to write the second part…"

"No! Don't!"

Boromir and I snickered alltogether. Legolas looked horrified.

"Please, PLEASE don't make me kiss Gollum! Anyone but him! Pleeease!"

"Hmm… anyone?"

Legolas frowned. "Damn. Shouldn't have said that."

"Okay, elf. No kissing Gollum. But – you'll still have to kiss someone. In the fanfic, I mean."

"How about I kiss you in real life and you drop the whole fanfic thing?"

Boromir chocked in a last attempt to stiffle his laughter. 

"You, kissing me? I don't think so."

"A lot of girls in this world would want it", said Legolas. "Think about it."

"No."

"Okay, but you don't know what you're missing."

"Yes I know. An embarassing moment."

Legolas glared, "Whaddya mean?"

"I've never kissed before, and I have no idea how to do it. Now be quiet while I write the second part of the story."

"Be brave, young elf", said Boromir mockingly. "It's all for the best."

"Yeah, I am _so_ sure." With that, Legolas went back to his homework, and I started writing again. Boromir went downstairs to get more cookies. 

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A/N: Here's another chapter! Yet another evil fanfic… and the second part is definitely gonna be… well, let's just say, 'interesting'. Wouldn't want to spoil the surprise. Okay, for a minor spoiler… Legolas gets a date. Tehee… Anyway, thanks for all your reviews – this is my most reviewed fanfic ever! Special thanks go to:

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orlandoluv: Wow, you sent a review to each chapter! Thanks! As you can see, I updated – more coming soon! J 

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hAdOwCat: Thanks for reviewing! 

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Crystalline4: Thanks! Since lots of people seem to be interested in my 'Faramir-and-the-cake' story, I'll definitely post it as a chapter of this story. I just need to find a good introduction for it.


	4. Legolas and the Magical Kiss, part two

Chapter 4: Legolas and the Magical Kiss, part two

My fanfic was going OK, the cookies were great, Legolas was almost done with my homework, and Boromir was reading Vogue. A perfect group picture. Only my native luck is a sworn enemy to perfection.

My cellphone beeped again. Boromir motioned to get it, but I held up a finger.

"Nah-uh. Don't."

"It could be someone else…"

"It's three in the morning."

"A quarter past three". That was Legolas. "And, by the way, your homework's done."

"Okay, a quarter past three in the morning. It doesn't matter, I still won't answer it."

"You sure?"

I sighed, "Positive."

Legolas went silent for a moment. "Does your cellphone have voice mail?" he asked finally.

"Yes, why—drat."

Just then, my recorded message begun to play…

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'Hello, this is Odeena Skywalker Almàrien speaking, and you've just dialed my number. I'm currently taking over the world, so leave a message after the beep, and I'll call you back. If you're Paul or Marshall, don't bother. I won't call you back.'

That was embarrassing. And I mean, _embarrassing_. 

"Nice message", said Boromir with a grin.

"Ssh!" Legolas had an evil look on his face. "Let's hear the message!"

'_Odeena, this is Paul. Look, I know I've been a jerk when I left you, but I really want to make it up to you!'_

"_He_ left _you_?" whispered Boromir.

"Yes", I whispered back. "But I really, really don't want to talk about it."

"I see."

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'…so please, please call me back! I only want to talk! Well… bye, I hope you'll forgive me in time.'

"I will destroy that thing", I growled. "Right now."

I stood up, but Boromir quickly caught my hand.

"Not… right now. You have a fanfic to finish. You can destroy it in the morning."

"Or give it to Gollum", cut in Legolas. "Basically it would be the same thing."

I sighed. "Okay, but let's all pretend that the past five minutes never occurred. Now be quiet."

Legolas shrugged, then sat down next to Boromir and begun to read over his shoulder. Not long after, my fanfic was done… all evil. Legolas was definitely not going to like this…

"Try me", said the elf when I warned him. "I assure you, I'm quite resistant."

"Just don't pass out."

"Okay… huh? Hey what do you--"

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Legolas and the Magical Kiss

~ part two ~

Things of the Unexpected

When Legolas came round, his first thought was that everything had been just a bad dream. He was lying on his bed, and the moon was shining brightly just outside his window.

"It was all a dream…" Legolas jumped out of bed and started to do a happy dance. "It was all a **dream**!" he repeated, over and over again. "I should've known", he said after a while, panting and leaning on his closet for support. "My father would never ask me something like that. Never."

Suddenly, there was a knock on the door, and an elf maiden entered without waiting for an invitation. When she saw that Legolas was awake, she blushed deeply. "I… you… the king… you must… it is time…"

Legolas raised an eyebrow. Apart from the fact that he was - as he noticed for the first time - wearing his bunny pajamas, it was still very early in the morning and there was a young maiden staring at him and babbling nonsense. "What is the meaning of this?" he demanded, trying to sound offended. 

"The King… sent for you… it is… time…" The maiden drew in a sharp breath after every word. 

"Time? Time for what?"

"For… for the sacrifice! I… thought… you knew!"

Legolas was starting to sweat. "Gollum…?" he said, choking.

"Yes! And you must fulfill his last request!"

"I'll be there." Much to his surprise, Legolas' voice was calm. "Now go."

The maiden rushed out and slammed the door. Legolas promptly collapsed on his bed.

"No", he mumbled. "I won't do it. They can't make me do it. I'll never do it. No, no, no." 

A thought came over him. "This is still a dream!" he shouted, then he pinched his arm. He barely resisted the urge not to scream. Everything was as real as it gets.

"My father's gonna kill me if I don't do it", came a new thought. "So I better get dressed and go… and… Okay, I'm not gonna think about it. Maybe Gollum changed his mind. Oh, Valar…"

Five minutes later, a very nervous Legolas was being lead by the maiden that had come to wake him up earlier. 

"This way… to… the dungeons…"

"Since when do we have dungeons?"

The maiden stopped abruptly. "I don't know!" she said, sounding extremely surprised. "That's where king Thranduil told me to take you, but--"

"You… don't know?" Suddenly, Legolas was in hysterics. "Okay, haha… you… hahaha… you can't lead me there… haha… then I'll… hahaha… I'll just…"

"Ah, there you were! Come on, time's a wasting!" That was king Thranduil, who was still panting. He was wearing his crown and scepter, and he looked extremely pleased with himself.

Legolas reacted promptly: he fainted again.

~

This time, Legolas woke up in an unknown place, which reminded him of the caves he and Gimli had visited at Helm's Deep. "I'm in the dungeons", he thought.

Then he saw Gollum. The creature was a few feet away from him, standing between two guards and glaring at him. Legolas pulled back abruptly.

"Nice of you to join us", said Thranduil as he helped Legolas stand. "Now, if you don't mind…"

Gollum nodded enthusiastically. Legolas looked around. Apart from him, Thranduil, Gollum and the guards, there was nobody else there… nobody could save him now. He cursed under his breath; then again, tradition was tradition, and anyone who didn't follow it was banished from Mirkwood. And Legolas knew his father well enough to know that he wouldn't hesitate to banish him if he didn't obey Gollum's last request.

"Okay… I'll… do it."

Gollum hissed, "Yesss, Preciousss! We wantsss it! A kisss! A kisss!"

"Let's just get… get this over with…" Legolas swallowed hard, then closed his eyes and kneeled. The next thing he knew, he was kissing Gollum, only… it didn't feel so bad. In fact, it didn't feel bad at all. It was rather pleasant. Legolas opened his eyes in surprise, only to find that Gollum was gone. Instead, he was holding the most beautiful maiden he had ever seen…

Thranduil and the guards cracked up laughing. "Surprise!" shouted the king. "You're on candid camera!"

"Gotcha'!" said one of the guards.

Legolas jumped up. "You mean--who is this?"

The maiden smiled, "I'm Samantha. You kiss good, for a beginner."

"And… and Gollum?"

"He escaped two days ago", said Thranduil. "By the Valar, you are sooo easy…"

Legolas couldn't tell exactly how he felt. On one hand, he was so furious he could have easily killed everyone else in the cell. On the other hand, that had been the most beautiful kiss he had ever experienced… So, he did the smartest thing he could think of: he passed out again.

~The End~

"Well?"

Legolas looked ready to kill me. "You said I won't have to kiss Gollum in the fanfic", he growled.

"And you didn't", said Boromir, chuckling. "Bunny pajamas… I can totally picture that in my mind…"

"Shut up", growled Legolas. "Before I hurt you."

"So I understand you liked it then?"

"…if I say no, will that hurt your feelings?"

"Yes."

"Well, I--no."

"Oh." I turned my back on him, pretending to be hurt. "Okay then, mister 'I-don't-like-Odeena's-fanfics', how about a story where you _really_ kiss Gollum?"

"NO! Please, don't! Not another story! I'll do anything! Anything! Pleeeeease!"

I'd never seen Legolas so desperate before. So, I guess that's it with Legolas and the evil fanfics. But - that doesn't mean I can't rant on about someone else…

"_Anything_?" I asked sweetly.

He narrowed his eyes, "What are you up to?"

"Me? Oh, nothing, it's just that - well, I still have a physics homework to do, and then an essay, and then--"

"All right, I got the point. Where's the homework?"

"Here it is! You can start with this", I said, giving him my physics notebook. "And write as pretty as you can. My teach' kinda likes that."

He muttered something - it was in Elvish, but it sounded vaguely like _Auta miqule Orcu_, which meant "Go kiss an orc". 

"What was that, elf?"

"…nothing?"

"He told you to go kiss an orc." Boromir was looking extremely smug. "Does that mean you're gonna write another story with him? I'm starting to like these!"

"Hmm… maybe… one story where Legolas is the hero. How's that sound, elf?"

Legolas shrugged.

"Okay then… stand by for another fanfic. And Boromir, I want more coffee."

Thirty-nine seconds later, Boromir was handing me another cup of coffee. I took a sip.

"Thanks, B., you rule."

"No, _you_ rule."

"Stop, you're making me blush."

"Really?"

I giggled, "No. But it could happen, you know."

"Oh."

"Get a room", said a very annoyed Legolas. "In case you didn't realize, I've got a homework to do."

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A/N: Sorry for the wait. This is all school's doing… evil thing… grr. Anyway, how's that for part two? I wrote it at three in the morning, so don't go hard on me J Thanks for reviewing go to:

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Wrier From Rivendell: Umm, actually… no, they weren't meant to be there. I type mostly at night, and I make typos sometimes. Sorry. I'll be more careful from now on - I usually check what I wrote, but a few mistakes kinda just… slip… J 

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Undomiel: I know what you mean. It happens to me, too. Humor fics do that to a person… even a sane one… *grin*

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hAdOwCat: Here's part two! I hope you like it… J Originally, I was going to have Legolas **really** kiss Gollum, but there is still some pitty left in me… J 

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Hael: I suppose that would be an honorable death for a writer… J 

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Dagger of the Mind: I see you reviewed, but I didn't answer… sorry, I must've missed it out. Thanks for the appreciation! J 


	5. LegoMan

Chapter 5: Lego-Man 

"Legolas?"

"Mmh?"

"Tell me the name of a girl you like."

Legolas glared. "Why?"

"Because. Tell me."

"…no."

"Okay, then I'll hook you up with Arwen. How's that sound?"

Boromir chuckled. Legolas rolled his eyes.

"Anyone but Arwen should be OK… wait, why did you ask me that?"

"Because, in the end, the hero gets the girl. So I need to know."

"Umm… can't you make it that the hero stays single in the end? Have the girl jump over an edge or something?"

Boromir chuckled again. "If I were you", he said, "I'd love all that attention."

"What 'attention'?"

"Well, want me to count how many million fangirls you got out there?"

"Please don't."

"No, really, it would be my pleasure!"

"DON'T! Okay, Odeena – how about yourself?"

"You – like me? Come on, elf, get serious."

"No, really! I do!"

"If that's an attempt to flatter me, you failed miserably."

"…darn."

"Time's a wasting, Legolas… Give me a name. That's all I'm asking."

"Okay then--"

"Jennifer Lopez!"

Both Legolas and I turned to glare at Boromir. He glared back innocently, "What?"

"That's just what I was going to say, Boromir."

I chocked, "What?"

"I like Jennifer Lopez. Okay? Now leave me alone, or I won't finish your homework in time."

I shrugged, "Okay. But if you don't like what comes out, remember you asked for it."

Legolas sighed. "Don't remind me."

~

I only had a few more phrases to go, when somebody knocked on the door. 

"Boromir…" I muttered absently.

"Yeah?"

"Get the door."

"Oh."

He stood up, went to the door and cracked it. As soon as he did so, my nine-year-old sister burst in, then slammed the door shut behind her. When she saw Boromir staring at her and Legolas sitting at the desk, she stopped dead in her tracks – then, a very smug expression crept on her face.

"I knew it! You got men in your room at night!" she said, her voice filled with satisfaction. "I'm telling mum!"

Drat. This is one thing I didn't need right now. "Laurie, I…"

"No you won't."

Laurie glared at Boromir, a defying expression on her face. "And why not, mister man?"

Legolas chuckled.

"Because if you do, I'll tell your mum just who steals her make-up every time."

Laurie made a face. "Fine! But tell your freaky friend to get out of my bed!"

"Freaky friend?" Boromir and I asked in unison.

"Yes, freaky friend! The one who hisses and smells bad and talks to himself!"

"Gollum?" I asked, startled. "What on Earth is he doing in your bed?"

"How should I know? Just get him outta there, I want to sleep!"

I sighed. "Boromir…"

"Already on it. C'mon, munchkin."

"I'm not a munchkin."

"Yes you are, now shut up."

Legolas and I exchanged a glance.

"He's really got a way with kids", said the elf after a second. "Every thought about marrying him?"

I tossed a pillow at him, "Shut up."

~

"I'm done!"

Legolas, Boromir and Gollum, who had nobody left to bug but the three of us, all snapped their heads up, their eyes glowing with anticipation.

"We wants to hear it, Preciousss! Yesss we do!"

Boromir shifted in his seat to make himself more comfortable. "Well, get on with it!"

"Yeah…" Legolas had the voice of someone who had just been condemned to an eternity of watching Teletubbies. "Get on with it."

"Okay, here goes!"

Lego-Man

"WALL!"

Unfortunately, the warning had come too late, and Gimli crashed into the cold stone wall, face first. Legolas, who was right behind him, chuckled. Arwen carefully brushed the dust off her dress.

"Told you." Legolas leaned against the wall, while Gimli pulled himself together. "So, mister dwarf, now what?"

Gimli coughed, and a small puff of smoke came out of his mouth. "How the hell should I know?" he asked, running his fingers through his scorched hair.

"Well, least you recall, this was **your** idea", said Arwen, her voice more annoyed than ever. "Let's go to the caves of Helm's Deep, they're great, you'll love it! Yeesh. I still can't believe you two got me into this! I should've stayed home and--"

"Pardon", Legolas cut in, "it was **his** idea."

"It sounded like fun", Gimli argued.

"Until we ran straight into a dragon."

"How was I s'pposed to know we'd run into one?"

"Well next time you want all three of us to go out, I pick up the spot", said Arwen. "Or better still, I don't come at all! I have four kids and a kingdom to look after!"

"**Four **kids?" Legolas glared. "Wow, you and Aragorn wasted no time, did you."

Arwen slapped him on the back, "Shut up."

Legolas chuckled. "Okay, okay. Anyway, I didn't ask you to come, Gimli did."

"She came on her own", Gimli protested.

"Did not."

"Did to."

"Did not!"

"Did to!"

"Alright already, shut up!"

Gimli and Arwen glared at Legolas. "What's with you?"

"We have to get out of here. The sooner, the better."

"We need a plan."

"Arwen said a smart thing…" Gimli muttered under his breath. "It's the end of the world."

"You don't like Arwen, do you?" whispered Legolas, while Arwen begun to brush her hair carefully.

"Nope."

"Neither do I. Why did you ask her to come with us in the first place?"

"I told you, she wanted to. In fact, she followed me all the way down here and I didn't even know it until we were actually inside and she stepped on that dragon's tail."

"And then the dragon nearly turned us into a pile of ash."

"Yeah."

"Excuse me… Are you guys gonna sit here in the dark and blab about God-knows-what, or are you going to find us a way out of here?"

"Well… I think I have an idea. Hang on, I'll be right back."

"What? Where—" Arwen begun, but the elf had already vanished in the dark. "Great", she muttered. "Now it's just me and you."

Gimli inched away, "Don't **even** think about it."

"Think about what?"

"Um… never mind."

It was a few hours later, when some cheesy music begun to play, then a masked figure appeared out of nowhere. He was a tall man, had long, blond hair, wore a green spandex suit with a  yellow 'L' on the chest and had a long green cape.

"Fear not!" he shouted, and his voice boomed across the cave. "For Lego-Man has come to your aid!"

"Really." Arwen crossed her arms. "And **how** exactly are you supposed to help us?"

"Like – this!" Lego-Man snapped his fingers, and suddenly all three of them were standing outside the entrance of the caves of Helm's Deep. 

"Whoa…" Gimli and Arwen said in unison.

"And now, if you'll all excuse me…"

"Wait! Don't you want a hero's kiss?"

Lego-Man glared at Arwen. "Well, I – not really."

"Oh, come on!"

"No!"

"Pleeeease?"

"For crying out loud…" Lego-Man then used his magical powers and turned Arwen into Jennifer Lopez. "That's better."

"All right, you hottie… come over here…"

 "Didn't see that coming", Gimli muttered as he turned his back on the kissing pair. 

Then, with a flash of light, Lego-Man was gone, and Arwen was Arwen again as well. 

"What a ride", she said dreamily. 

"Yeah… Hey, where's Legolas?"

"Um… here he is!" Arwen pointed to the elf who had just run out of the cave. 

Legolas came to a stop in front of the two, then waved. "Hi, guys! Did I miss anything?"

"Umm, no… not really", said Gimli.

"Okay then, let's go home."

"I'll say! I never want to see any of you every again!" Arwen strode off, not caring if the two were following her or not. Gimli and Legolas set off as well.

"So, what took you so long to come and rescue us?" asked Gimli after a while.

Legolas grinned, "I couldn't find a phone booth where to change my clothes."

~ The End ~

"Lego-Man…?" 

Boromir cracked up. As for Gollum, he was rolling on the floor with laughter. Legolas glowered at all three of us in turn, then stood up.

"Where are you going, elf? You still have a homework to do!"

"I'll be right back", he said, with a somewhat menacing tone in his voice. "With something special for all of you…"

"If you mean you'll get a bow and shoot us, you're in for a surprise. I hid your bow and arrows in the attic. You'll never find them."

"Very smart of you, Boromir. But no, it's not that. It's just a lil' story 'Deena wrote one day, when she was getting bored. It's about you, Faramir and a cake."

I stood up. "You wouldn't!"

"Wanna bet?" Before I could stop him, Legolas was already out the door. 

I collapsed on the bed and hid my head under a pillow. "I am so dead…" 

__________

A/N: Wow, I updated! It's been – how many months? Anyway, I blame it all on school My life is a bit messed up… hopefully I'll recover in time for the next chap… Anyway, thanks for reviewing go to:

**Hael: **I updated again! Hope you like the new chap! By the way, where can you get an Evil Trig Book of Doom? They didn't have it in the scool library!

**Chanra**: Really? I was wondering why Haldir had been so careless as to get killed by an orc… Anyway, let's hope that won't happen to Leggy, too. I'd hate it!

PS: Sorry if I didn't answer to all my reviewers, but somehow I just can't get into the 'reviews' page of this story right now… Sorry again!


	6. The Long Awaited Story of Faramir and th...

Legolas and the Really Messed-Up Fanfic!

by Odeena Skywalker 

Chapter 6: The Long-Awaited Story of Faramir and the Cake 

Fifteen minutes passed by, and Legolas had yet to show himself. I began to hope, against all hope, that the elf had somehow been eaten by a balrog, and wasn't coming back at all. 

Yeah, right. Like I'd get that lucky. Just as I was thinking of a new story, one where _I got to pummel the elf to death, he came back in, a very smug grin on his face. "Sorry it took me so long", he began, "but I brought someone else who may be interested in this story…" He stepped away, and let a very sleepy Faramir enter the room._

I slapped my forehead. "Legolas, you _twit_…"

"What was that?"

I scolded at him. "Twit", I mouthed, then I noticed that he held several sheets of paper covered in printed characters. Oh, no. "Legolas, if you _dare…"_

"Dare what? Read the story? Why, this is just what I was about to do!"

"What's so bad about that story?" Boromir interjected. "I mean, it's not anything NC-17 or stuff now, is it?"

"No, of course it isn't!" I retorted, offended. "It's just… plain stupid."

"Then let's hear it!"

I sighed resignedly. "Fine, elf. Go ahead. Embarrass me to death."

Legolas cleared his throat. "Allrighty. Here it goes."

_The Incredible Story of Prince Faramir and the Cake_

At he heard the title, Faramir's head snapped up, Boromir raised an eyebrow, and Gollum chuckled in that creepy manner of his. I buried my head in my hands and began to think of all the sharp and pointy things I knew I could find around the house. Legolas wouldn't live to see the sunrise. For that, I could bet my life.

_As Prince Boromir of Gondor prepared to celebrate his twenty-fifth birthday, his father, King Denethor, decided to give him a very special celebration. Therefore, every skilled baker, confectioner, decorator and musician in Gondor was summoned - in great secrecy, of course. The top moment of the evening would be, of course, the birthday cake. However, apart from the 'classic' twenty-five-candle cake, King Denethor decided, at the suggestion of his younger son Faramir, to have another cake baked for his son - this one with a certain 'surprise' inside. It is in the time between the baking of the cake and the big moment that it would be delivered that our story begins…_

"I like the way it starts", said Boromir, chuckling. "You know, at my twenty-fifth birthday, I did have two cakes. We used one for cream-fighting."

"You did." My voice showed more enthusiasm than I felt at the moment. "Who won?"

"Um… let's not get into that, okay?"

I shrugged. "Okay. Don't tell me."

"I did." That was Faramir, who had apparently snapped out of his sleep-like trance. 

Boromir made a face. "Sure. Whatever."

"Sibling rivalry", I muttered with another shrug.

"People, people! I'm reading a story here!"

"You are? I didn't know!" I teased. "Really?"

"Yes."

"Sorry", Boromir said. "Do go on, this is interesting."

I growled.

_"Prince Faramir, the cake is done."_

_Faramir__ nodded absently towards the cook. "Bring in the girl and put her in as we agreed", he said before resuming his conversation with several elders. At the same time, he gave a mental sigh. Of all the things to do at a party, here he was, discussing politics and such things with people who were at least twice as old as he was. And all this while his brother was the center of attention… 'An undeserved and unwelcomed attention', he thought sullenly. For a second he pictured himself in his brother's place, receiving congratulations and wishes of health and happiness._

_The voice of the cook brought him back to here and now. "Pardon me, your majesty, but we have no girl."_

_This was enough to catch Faramir's attention. "What do you mean, you have no girl?"_

_The cook squirmed uneasily. "She… eh… she ran away with… with… someone… I can't find her."_

_"Then find another!" Faramir smiled sheepishly at the elders before shoving the confused cook away. "Um, sorry. It happens."_

_However, about fifteen minutes later, the cook returned. Faramir rolled his eyes; he was just about to make his move on a pretty blonde, and in the instant that his attention was distracted, the girl decided she'd had enough of him and left to join the cortege that surrounded his brother. "Now what?"_

_"Your majesty, none of the girls will accept to…"_

_"Are you sure?" The question was a dumb one, and Faramir knew it._

_"Well, there is one…"_

_"Fine, put her in."_

_"But sire, she doesn't /fit/ in."_

_"Um… right." For a second, Faramir pictured a fat Viking lady jumping out of his brother's cake… then shrugged the idea off. "Okay, let's see then…"_

_"Why don't you go in?"_

_Faramir__ turned, a not-too-polite remark on his lips, only to stare into the imposing face of his father. "Who… me?"_

_"Yes. You. We'll dress you up as a girl. Nobody will know the difference."_

_The irony was obvious in his voice; still, Faramir knew better than to disobey him. If this was another of his father's whims, then he had to obey, or else. He sighed, then slumped his shoulders. "Very well, father… I will…" He sighed miserably, and Denethor smirked, then turned to a man who had waited behind him the whole time, "Prepare him."_

"That sounds cool", Boromir interjected again. Faramir had a particularly nasty expression on his face, and I guessed that, sooner or later, I'd have to pay dearly for this. Gollum was already rolling on the floor with laughter. Legolas went on, despite my glares, but not before giving a hint of a warning.

"Hang on, here comes the really cool part."

_"Son - I must say, I am proud of you."_

_That was the beginning of King Denethor's speech. Everyone stopped whatever they were doing and focused their attention on the king and his first-born._

_"In these twenty-five, you've achieved what others could not. You've brought glory to the __kingdom_ of __Gondor___, and made the mighty Horn resound gloriously on the battlefields time and again."_

_Boromir__ bowed slightly, acknowledging the praise._

_"And to reward all this, we have prepared a… let's say, / unusual / gift for you."_

_Denethor__ clapped his hands, and two cooks brought forward his newly-made cake. Boromir raised an eyebrow, pleasantly surprised, and Denethor chuckled. "Just wait to see what's inside."_

_This was the signal. The top of the cake opened, and a tall, well-built woman popped out, crying, "Happy birthday!"_

_For a second, everyone stared, including Boromir and Denethor; then, all as one, everyone cracked up. Faramir cursed under his breath and rubbed his chin, then paused. Although Denethor's stylists had epilated his arms, legs and chest (and a painful process it was, too), covered his face in make-up and dressed him accordingly, they had left out a small detail…_

_They had forgotten to shave his beard._

"The end", Legolas finished smugly. This was the signal: everyone, including Faramir, cracked up. Boromir was doubled over, laughing so hard that he couldn't even breathe; as for Faramir, his mouth was wide open, and he was gasping for breath, also laughing. Legolas was laughing, too, a display of feelings rarely seen at him. Soon, I found myself laughing, too.

"Good one, Odeena!"

Legolas stopped laughing abruptly and glared at Boromir, jaw hanging. "What?"

"I said, 'Good one, Odeena'. What?"

"You're gonna tell me you actually _liked_ it?"

"Sure! It was great!"

"You too…?" Legolas asked, turning to Faramir. 

He nodded, still not able to speak coherently. Legolas banged his head on the table, and Boromir shook my hand vigorously. I grinned widely; then, I asked for a pen and a notebook. This caught Legolas' attention.

"What for?" he asked, eyeing me suspiciously.

I smiled sweetly at him. "Payback."

__________________________

A/N: Aaaand here it is - the Long Awaited Story of Faramir and the Cake! I hope you liked it! There's much more coming soon! And, on other news, my fanfiction / fanart website REvolution is REopen J, so if you want, you can check it out at . Thanks for reviewing go to:

**Lobo Diablo Lone Wolf: Thank you, thank you very much! Here's the story! Hope you liked it!**

**anonymous: I updated.**

**KnowInsight: Thanks! There may be a while until the next chap is out, because I'll be entering lotsa school contests this semester, and I'll have very little time to write. Still, stay tuned!**

**Lady Hael: Sooo, you got the TBOD on the Internet? Hmm, I oughta search for it, too. ^_^**


	7. The Secret Crush of Legolas, part one

Legolas and the Really Messed-Up Fanfic!

by Odeena Skywalker 

Chapter 7: The Secret Crush of Legolas, part one

Using your fanfics to get back at someone is no easy job. It resembles a lot to a very delicate surgery, if you will. You need to stay focused, because the smallest blooper you make can backfire and make _you the one everyone laughs at. But there's also a good side to it: the people around you - in my case, Boromir and Faramir (since Legolas was too busy with my homework and muttering nasty stuff under his breath and Gollum was out to take a shower after Boromir had spent ten minutes trying to convince him to do so and I had promised him a nice and long fanfic where he gets the 'preciousss', those two were the only ones that counted) - are more than eager to help. And these two had a very original idea when it came to the true meaning of the word 'help'._

"So, 'Deena, need any… erm, inspiration? Because I have this great idea, listen…"

"Hey, know what? I just thought of something! Why don't you…"

"You know, you could do _this…_ it would definitely spice the story up…"

"Want me to get you some coffee? I can see you're all out and… y'know…"

"How about some sandwiches? I'm sure you're hungry after so much creative work!"

"Let me get you a _real_ pencil, that _thing_ ain't worthy of you."

It didn't take long before they _really got on my nerves, and I had to threaten them that I'll write them into a romance fic with Britney Spears and Christina Aguillera as their respective partners. At this, Boromir gave me an answer that left me jaw-hanging._

"Couldn't you write us into a romance fanfic with the Teletubbies instead? That would be way more fun…"

"I swear, you never cease to amaze me", I answered, startled. 

"Really?"

"Yes."

"Gee, thanks!"

"No problem. Now shut up." I turned to Boromir. "Both of you."

"Okay", they answered in unison, and I sighed with relief. Then I resumed writing, and my ideas got more evil by the minute. Soon, I was done with the first part, and eager to see the look on the elf's face when I read it. So…

"Boromir, Faramir--" I turned to Legolas "--_elf_… first part's done."

The looks on Boromir and Faramir's faces were absolutely hilarious. Legolas rolled his eyes, "Whatever."

"You sure 'bout it? Because you may very soon change your impression, y'know…"

"I can only repeat what I said."

"Oh yeah? We'll see…"

_The Secret Crush of Legolas_

_~  part one ~_

_Once upon a time, there lived a fanfiction author with too many pennames: Odeena Skywalker, Anne Shard, Silversky, Marmalade, You-Know-Who… and the list could go on. Odeena (out of convenience, we'll use this name) lived in a big house with her big and happy family… well, that's a big lie. Like any self-respecting couple, her parents had three children: Scott, Odeena's elder brother, who plays no major part in this story, Odeena, and Laurie, Odeena's psychotic little sister and worst nightmare. _

_One day, out of boredom, Odeena used her Allmighty Author Superpowers to summon the entire cast of the movie 'Lord of the Rings' at her house. After that, boredom was out of the picture for good, as keeping a lid on things required a lot of time and energy. Still, everyone was happy, every day brought on new and exciting things, and no major conflicts occurred… that said, until the most unexpected thing happened: Legolas, the elven prince of Mirkwood, who had sworn to remain a bachelor for all eternity, fell in love._

"Ooh, this is getting interesting!" Faramir interjected with a wide grin. "With who?"

"I'm just getting to that. Be quiet."

Just then, there was a knock on the door, then Gollum slithered in, draped in a lavender gown, which I guessed it belonged to my sister, and smelling all pretty. Without a word, he climbed on an armchair and beckoned me to read on, and so I did.

_Legolas managed to keep his love a secret for a while. Surely, a few of Legolas' closest friends noticed something strange about him, but he refused to tell them who was the (un)lucky one who had claimed his heart. Although there were only four girls in the house, guessing who it was turned out to be a hard job. There were five possible options: Arwen - which would have explained Legolas' unfriendly behavior towards Aragorn lately, Èowyn - although the two hardly ever spoke to each other, Galadriel - although she was a good five thousand years older than him, Odeena - which would have been pretty unexpected, and Laurie - an alternative which seemed the least likely to be the correct one._

_After thinking very hard about it, one of Legolas' elven friends, Haldir of Lòrien, decided to very subtly find out who his crush was, and then, if possible, help him out. And it didn't take him long before he found an opportunity to carry out his plan..._

_"So, tell me, Legolas… have you had any recent… trouble with Aragorn?"_

_"Brawls…?"_

_"Yeah, you know, like trying to beat him at something and prove you're the best, or pick on him for something unimportant, or… stuff?"_

_"No."_

_"And you don't feel the need to do it, either?"_

_"No, why should I?"_

_"Umm… never mind."_

_'So this leaves Arwen out of question', thought Haldir, 'otherwise he'd show some resentment towards Aragorn. One down…'_

_"All right then, tell me… what about Èomer?"_

_"What about him?"_

_"You're good buddies, aren't you?"_

_"Where'd you come up with that from? I haven't spoken to him in more than a week! Really, Haldir, you're acting all strange, you know that?"_

_"…and you don't plan to make friends with him any time soon, do you?"_

_"I don't know, and frankly I don't care. What are you up to?"_

_"Nothing, why would I be up to anything?__ By the way, did you see Èowyn's new dress? She looks really stunning."_

_Legolas shrugged. _

_'So it's now Èowyn, either.'_

_"Listen, I've been thinking… do you miss Lothlòrien?"_

_"Miss… Lothlòrien? No offense, Haldir, but why should I?"_

_"Gee, I don't know… maybe because of someone there?"_

_"Someone?__ Look, you're really starting to annoy me. What's this all about?"_

_'Not Galadriel, either… Which can only mean…'_

_"Okay, you're busted. Admit it. You like Odeena."_

_Legolas blinked. "What?"_

_"If it's not Arwen, Èowyn or Galadriel, then it's got to be her! I got it!"_

_Legolas sighed, then rolled his eyes. "Haldir, you are **such an idiot."**_

_"Why? Because I found out your little secret?"_

_"No, you didn't. In fact, you're really close to the answer… but it's not her."_

_"Come on, Legolas…"_

_"It's not her", the elf stressed out._

_"Who, then?__ Jennifer Lopez?"_

_Legolas sighed dreamily. "No, Haldir… You don't get it… It's Laurie."_

_~ To Be Continued ~_

"Laurie?!" Boromir exclaimed, looking startled. "_Laurie?!_ You made Legolas fall in love with _her_?! Bwahahahaha!" - he cracked up, and began to roll on the floor with laughter, while Faramir panted for breath. Golum was holding his belly and was laughing so hard his face was turning purple; as for Legolas, he blinked once, twice… then sighed. "I hate you."

"Really? What happened to 'Whatever'? To 'I don't care?' To 'You won't hurt me?"

"I hate you", he repeated politely. "Very much."

"Well, don't hate me just yet, elf. I'm not done yet."

"Yeah, sure you're n--_what?!_"

I brushed a lock of hair behind my ear, then resumed writing. "You'll be in for a surprise, Legolas… Just you wait…"

The elf looked miserably between me and the laughing trio. "You're evil."

"Yes, I am."

"At least promise me I won't get to… (he shuddered) _kiss her."_

"We'll see, elf. We'll see." 

Legolas promptly banged his head on the table again.

__________________________

A/N: Oh my Gosh! Nineteen! Nineteen reviews! Oh wow! *faints* Seriously now, this has never happened to me before! Thank you! As usual, I hope you liked this chapter… stay tuned for more, and remember to review! Oh, and, by the way, the dates about my family are just a figment of my imagination. I have no psychotic little sister (instead I have a psychotic little **cousin that's more than I need), and I don't live in a house, either. And I don't know how much older Galadriel is than Legolas, I just took a wild guess. Aaaand now come the review responses… ^_^**

**KnowInsight: Thanks!**

**rangerrider: Well, this story is intended as a parody of all the clichès in Legolas fanfics. Glad you like the idea!**

**WildsWander: Of course I'll keep writing. Thanks!**

**Stewardess of Gondor: Thank you for your lovely reviews! And yes, I can have Legolas and Boromir at my house - by the might of my Author Superpower! If you want, you can borrow Gollum and put him in your sister's bed. I'm sure he wouldn't mind! And finally, you were that pretty blonde Boromir was talking to? I must compliment you: nice dress! Thanks again! …oh, and by the way, what does 'ROFLMAOKAS' mean…?Because I have no idea… ^_^**

**Brilover: Sure thing. Come to think about it, I e-mailed you already! ^_^ **

**Aerlene: Update for the love of Legolas…? Okie-dokie, although I'm pretty sure he hates it when I update. At least I think that's why he hides his head under a paper bag every time I post a new chapter.**

**kaya: Well, Stewardess of Gondor wants to borrow Gollum, you want to borrow the rest of the Fellowship… since I am the Allmighty Author, I say you can! Except for Legolas of course. He still has my homework to finish.**

**Samus: Yes, I know this isn't the best fic ever… *sigh*… but I guess everyone has a different oppinion on what the best fic would be like. And you're right about that 'first kiss' thing.**

**Celtic Dawn Star: Thank you! **

**ApocalypticPyro: Favorite story…? Wow, thanks! Of course there will be a sequel… as soon as I finish this story! But don't worry, I have many more chapters planned!**

**Jeni: I hope you didn't have to wait too long! ^_^**

**Cake LOVER: How could I not…? I mean, if I stopped writing, it would mean either that I'm dead, or that I'll die at the hands of an angry mob of rewiewers! ^_^**

**Undomiel: Sadly, I didn't see ROTK yet. But, I must agree with you - Aragorn is sexy!**

**Laurana: Umm, sorry, must've missed that out… Whad does 'Varda' mean?**


	8. The Secret Crush of Legolas, part two we...

Legolas and the Really Messed-Up Fanfic!

by Odeena Skywalker 

Chapter 8: The Secret Crush of Legolas, part two… well, sort of XD

With my latest fanfic, I got what I wanted - that is, getting back at Legolas for reading the Faramir-and-the-cake story to Boromir & co. Now, seeing the elf's miserable expression as he watched me writing, I began to feel a little sorry for him. Just a little. I was still mad at him enough to finish the fanfic. But this time, I decided to go easy on him. 

…Well, that, and to ask Boromir & Co. for ideas, so that later on I could place the blame on _them_ if Legolas went ballistic. So…

"Boromir, Faramir, Gollum - I need ideas."

Boromir stopped laughing long enough to give me a bemused look; then, he whispered something to Faramir, and they both cracked up. 

"All right then, how about you have the two fall in love and run away with your brother's car?"

"--and have your brother in hot pursuit because he forgot his latest issue of Playb--I mean, Vogue on the backseat of the car, and he's an avid collector."

"And then the two think Scott is out to get them and run to Mexico."

"And then they get to Area 31 and meet a bunch of aliens from the planet Gor."

"And then--"

"Whoa, whoa, hold it you two!" They both glared, and I gave a little sigh. "That - that will do, thank you."

"You're _really _going to write that?"

I turned to Legolas. "No, elf. Of course not. I'll just have you drive over an edge instead." Me and my sarcastic sense of humor… By the next day, I would probably have a mob of Legolas fangirls chasing me with torches if I did that. Not to mention that I would have to suffer from a guilty conscience for the rest of my life. Contrary to what some people may think, I'm not a murderer. Although sometimes I tend to act like it.

"Okay… Listen, I got an idea."

"Amaze me."

"I know I suggested this before, but - what if I'd fall in love with _you_ instead of her?"

I chuckled. "You - and me? You must be getting desperate."

"I _am_!"

"Sorry. I never write romance fics about myself."

"Why not?"

"Because they either come out lame, corny, or both."

"I read some of them, and they're pretty good. Really, they are! Especially the one with you and Bor--"

"Shut _up_!" Thankfully, Boromir hadn't noticed it; Faramir, on the other hand, was goggling at me. I made a face at him, then shushed desperately at the elf. 

"Legolas… Exactly how many dirty secrets on me do you hold?"

"Enough to give the Fellowship stuff to gossip on for days."

Oooooh shit.

Then again…

"And how many fanfics do you think I can write?"

"Enough to give the Fellowship stuff to laugh at for weeks", Boromir interjected. "Give it up, Legolas. You're out of your league."

Legolas sighed. "Look, I really, _really didn't want to come to this… but what if I fall in love with you in _real life_? Will you drop it then?"_

"No, because that can't be."

"Why not?"

"Because it simply can't be. I mean, come on, you and me? Me and you? No. Doesn't sound right. No way."

"Why not?" Faramir cut in. "You are single, you hate your ex - here's a chance to make him jealous! Go out with the most adored guy on the planet!"

"You'd make a nice couple", Boromir added. "And you'd leave the rest of the Fellowship jaw-hanging, too."

"Yeah, c'mon - please?"

What could I do? I shrugged, then I set aside my pen and clipboard. "Three against one… you win… okay."

Faramir and Boromir exchanged a high-five. "Well, you two will probably have a lot of things to talk about, so we'll be leaving…" Boromir half-dragged Golum towards the door, and Faramir waved. "Bye, have fun!"

For a few moments, I stared at the door, then at Legolas. "Did what I think that just happened - happen?"

"I guess so."

"You really mean it?"

"Like I have a choice."

"Don't get me wrong, elf, I never actually meant to--"

"You don't have to say anything. Look, as your boyfriend…" he sighed, "I never thought I'd actually… oh well… Listen, I… you… okay, I know you never kissed anyone before, right?"

"And I don't intend to."

"You don't know what you're missing."

"Legolas…"

"Come on, it can't be that bad! Just - trust me, okay?"

"Uhh… I don't know…"

'Take it! This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity! Don't be an idiot!' a small voice at the back of my head was screaming. I shook my head. "Okay, elf. Let's see what comes out of it."

A few moments later, we stood in front of each other, and I stared intently at the tips of my toes. 

"I suppose I have to hold you…" He wrapped his arms around my waist, and I gave a small shudder at the sudden contact. "And you have to hold me."

"Do I really have to…?" I asked in a small voice.

"Yeah."

I wrapped my arms around his neck, then closed my eyes.

"You ready?"

I gave a small not, and held my breath. He leaned in, and for a second I felt his breath on my lips - and the rest is history. All I can say is that it wasn't at all as bad as I had expected it to be… and it wasn't that short, either. 

"Aaaaah! Odeena is kissing a man! I'm telling mum!!"

"Huh?"

"Oh, no…" 

Surely, my hell-spawned little sister was standing in the doorframe, eyes bulging, a wide grin on her face. Then, she turned and ran off. 

"I'm dead", I said, sitting down on my bed. "It's been fun, elf, but--"

Legolas shrugged. "Just pretend nothing happened."

"Huh?"

"Turn the light off, get in the bed, and when your mum comes play innocent. She'll never know."

I obliged, then pretended to be fast asleep. Legolas hid behind a curtain. A few minutes later, I heard small voices outside my door.

"I'm telling you, Mum, she was sitting in the middle of the room, and she was holding him, and they were - kissing!"

"Laurie, honey, are you sure? There's no light…"

"And she had men in her room! And one of her friends was in my bed!"

"Now that can't be. Come on, honey, you had a bad dream."

"But they were there! They were there I tell you!"

"Go to bed."

"Mum…"

"Now."

I snickered evilly. "Bright plan, elf", I whispered.

Legolas came out from behind the curtain, grinning. "Thank you. Here's another one: go to sleep. It's almost morning."

I yawned. "If you say so…"

He tiptoed across the room, but I stopped him with a gesture. "Elf…"

"Yes?"

"Aren't you going to give me a good night kiss?"

"Now you're acting like a spoilt little girl." 

"Oh come on, pleeease?"

"Okay, okay…" He kissed my forehead lightly. "That's all you get. Good night."

"Good night…" And before I knew it, I was fast asleep.

__________________________

A/N: Lotsa reviews again… this time, I didn't have a "fic-in-the-fic", and this is mostly because of my reviewers… *points around* this means you guys. Since all of you sympathize with the elf, I couldn't have him suffer even more - and so I had to improvise instead. Hope you like what came out! And for the record, for this fanfic I crossed the most important principle I have: never write a romance fic with me and a guy who is adored by at least ten  thousand fangirls. Oh well… Here come the review responses: 

**Stewardess of Gondor: Ooh, right! Figures… So, how'd your sister like Gollum? *snicker* You can borrow the rest of the fellowship if you want, but be sure to have them back by February 1st, when I'll begin the sequel to this fanfic. Have fun!**

**Samus: Don't worry, I didn't feel offended. I know my fanfics aren't 'best-of-the-best' either. Sorry about the bloopers… that one must've slipped out.**

**Ellemire:  Thank you! By the way, nice name!**

**ApocalypticPyro: You're right… therefore, in this chapter, Legolas didn't suffer any more… Stay tuned for the sequel though, it's going to be even better than this fic!**

**Jeni: I'll get ROTK on CD as soon as I get the chance. Because here it'll only come in theaters in June. But - there are other ways! *huggies her fave CD pirate guy***

**KnowInsight: Thanks for **all** your reviews! You're really sweet! And Laurie turned 9 on December 29**

**kaya: Lessee, do you think me to be foolish now? *grins* Anyway, I just hope that my first real life kiss will be just as good … XD**

**jUsSTeeNh: You're right too! I'm not that cruel, really, I'm just playing…**

**Elly And The Gundam Wing Fan: Thank you! ^_^**

**Musicgrl: Ooh, so you're the cake lover! I love cakes too XD! Anyway, thanks for reviewing!**


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